Let’s start from today and what is currently happening.
I’m in a mental health clinic, self-admitted, and there’s a lot I must think about and have finally got the rest I’ve been craving, 56 hours no sleep will make even the “normal” people go crazy.
I do feel out of place as I don’t see the problems and the issues, well I didn’t, going through the process I’ve to see a side of me that I’ve avoided for so long, parts of my past that I’ve I have left in, well the past, this has both the positive and negative.
Was I really that broken, was I really in that much pain, have I really been through this much?
All these questions clawing to the surface like a mole searching for fresh air, I now don’t have any choice but to face the problems, face myself, my past…
This life has not been gentle to me, I’ve gone through a more in 27 years than most people do in 80 years.
I have made mistakes, found love and lost love only to regain it, I have hurt people both emotionally and physically, I have done so much to survive my own mind, my own thoughts and feelings.
Now, what do I do? How do people do this? What am I meant to do? What are the right answers? What is wrong or right?
When people look at me, do they see the pain? Do they see the anger? Do they see the love? Do they see the fear? Do they think I’m weak? Are they scared of the beast within? Am I? am I as broken as they say? Are there people as broken as me?
These are questions that run through my mind every day, without questions.
Then on top of those questions are ones around relationships, friends (don’t have many), family (supportive but don’t want to burden them), Partner? Well, that’s where I fall short, I just want to hide in the grey spaces between the words I write, jumping from on painfully written line after painfully written line, to glide through the pages of anger and pain. To keep my word my own, to find someone who sees me gripping to my sanity with every word written and every painful memory relived in the pages of a book or blog that will one day just be a distant memory to the world that leaves you behind, I search for you my rose among the thorns, you are somewhere here, reading the map to my soul and the writings upon my heart.
I have everything if you ask anyone who would know me, they would say I’m good-looking young man, I’m polite, I’m charming, I’m a great people person, a hopeless romantic who believes in true love, who hasn’t had to stand of shoulders of anyone to get where I am.
This is just 1% of who I truly am, I’m extremely sexual, I am aggressive, I am sad, I feel everything, I can’t standby and allow the pain of the world inflict itself on the people I care about, this is just not who I am, I don’t standby and allow people to harm the ones I love, I’ve always said if you take on my family be prepared from war, now that’s not an over-exaggeration, you better be prepared to kill to protect yourself, as I will be there to make sure you can’t harm anyone ever again not alone walk.
People see this as an anger problem, I see it as protective, I see it as my duty to my family and my loved one’s blood or not.
Please have come into my life where they are only there to create problems, but we all survived, barely, but we are still here, standing stronger than we ever have been.
I have digest and should warn you that a lot of what is written comes forms the past and I am trying to make my way through the past to the future as I do believe you need context to how I got here and my mental state of mind.
When death seems to follow you like a bad broken clock you can’t seem to throw away, my life has always had the idea that the problems follow me, the “black cloud” theory is what some would call it.