Not every story has a happy ending, not everyone is destined for love, not everyone can heal and not everyone can keep on keeping on.
How can someone so broken, love so very hard? How do we as humans get better?
Pain is the only constant in life and death is the only guarantee, that and taxes, as the saying goes.
But how do I as a man going through a transition and have gone through so much pain in my life, be okay and not doubt people?
I am in a war within myself and am trying to win against the past me creeping in and the new me standing my ground, I want to confront the problems but know that the repercussions and price I would have to pay would be way more than I can handle.
I fight every day to be a better person, always fighting to create a new future for myself, all I’ve tried to do is hold on to the good and see the good in people, this has taken its toll.
I no longer want to be everyone’s doormat, I no longer want to have to be disrespected by the people I love, life shouldn’t be like this, love shouldn’t be a battle, trust is given without question from my side but don’t think I’m a fool, I can tell when someone is being fake or hiding things from me.
This is my biggest problem but it is a gift and a curse, It puts relationships under microscopes and forces me to question the people around me, I can never feel normal, I can never have a solid relationship that doesn’t have my doubt or that I won’t question, this has nothing to do with trust, this has nothing to do with loyalty, this is just me being okay with what you do and how you do it, being ignored is fine, if you are busy tell me rather, I can also be cold, I could also be in contact with ex-lovers and ex-prospects, I don’t think you understand how heartless I can be, ask around and you will understand that with me being soft and loving is unheard of.
I use to be this cold and heartless cunt, someone once dedicated “jar of hearts by Christina Perri” to me and said “this is you, this is how you work”, that’s who I can be, I could always go back to it, it’s not a far walk back to that hole I lived in and the thought process I use to love, I could hurt you and not lose a wink of sleep, Please don’t get me wrong, this is something I’m not proud of, it is just a heads up of how quick I can change what you get every day.
Don’t treat me like a fool, don’t think for a second, I cant see what is happening when you not with me, I know you are still hiding conversations and saying you doing something when you really doing something else, my else haven’t changed, I trust you but don’t believe you if that’s possible.
I go through life with a lot of problems and a lot of pain, yet I standby everyone who shows me the respect I give them, all I’ve asked people is for respect, I shouldn’t have to ask this of people, if I show you respect, it should be reciprocated.
I love the ones who have stayed and been so amazing, you guys know who you are, someone once told me that “ true friendship is shown when you don’t have to talk every day but still have mad love for each other” these are the people who standby you, standby your choices, with their opinions but still respect the choices you make and to them, I say THANK YOU!
My words are heavy and my heart mirrors that, all I’ve ever wanted to be is happy, happy with life, happy with the people in my life, happy without doubt and fear of pain, that does require me to do things I find hard, I look within myself for those aspects so often and I tend to surprise myself, I have the power but I also make the changes that affect me in billions of ways, none of which are shown, none was seen by others as it is not their lives, it is mine.