It’s 4am, on Sunday and I know I need to sleep but sleep alludes me, like the fire in my soul to continue with this mundane thing we call life.
Yes, a tad dramatic but yet too true, I tend to find myself often questioning the choices I make and the situations I put myself in, how have I managed to lose the women of my dreams and lose my job all in 6 months?
I never understand how things work out, I use to, I lived this life a few times, over and over the same actors in the play just different outcomes, then I take my shot in this life time, something completely out of character , I was scared, worried and insecure as I have never tried this and I didn’t want to lose her, I didn’t want to live that life of never knowing her or not being with her till my last dying breathe.
I guess if I live this life again, I will be able to do things differently but what if I don’t? what if this was my only shot?
This isolation is really fucking with my brain, making me relive the past as if it could magically fix itself, that I will wake up and all will be different, that I could be next to you again…
I am trying to get to grips with my sanity before I lose it for good, I really am trying to grapple with the thoughts that are depression or pain filled and reality, death feels so much closer it worries me.
To forget everything would be amazing, to cut out memories to move forward would be amazing but yet I can’t.
You have done it so well, moved on in your life, moved me to the back of your brain to never creep up in your thoughts, I just wish for acknowledgement, just let me know you are ok, that all is ok and maybe that you miss me just a little?
I beg for a clean and clear memory, one filled with love and no more pain!