As I move forward in my life, even though it seems I am going backwards, I know how privileged I am to have met certain people
People who made me laugh, made me cry, made me smile and made me feel, as monsters we very rarely know what any of that means, we don’t get much of a choice on how people view us and judge us.
We scare those who fear the dark and we excite those who embrace the dark but the other side of this coin is what we are scared and excited about, we want the light, the feeling of love and care, do you think that’s possible? I seem to ask this question very often.
Growing up, I had come to terms that I am a bulldozer, I help you to know what it feels like to be loved but you will not stay, I know that but it doesn’t hurt any less
I have met monsters who pretend that they aren’t what they are, watching then go through life, leaving hearts and heads in their wake, like a cyclone of passion and self-centered love, feeding their egos and their attention glasses to the brim, but when the world leaves them, when everything goes silent, they notice that the only monster in the room is not under the bed but yet sitting on it…
But what about their victims? What about the aftermath?
Well that’s where your fellow Watcher gets involved, to bulldoze the the torn down egos, the ripped apart hearts, the muddled brains and well the traumatic experiences that don’t let them believe in love
As a fellow monster and bulldozer I know both sides of this coin, one side is fed by pure and unadulterated ego to rule everything and the other is ruled by passion, love and the kind of kindness that breeds comfort and safety
I very rarely know which side I might play as I am still human at the end of the day but don’t let that scare you, take a risk and if you are a gambling person don’t play mean, play nicely with who I am, as I will give you my all at all times, no questions asked
We’ve come to the end of this chapter of my dark brain making things make sense, making sense why noone stays, why people run once they know me and I can fully understand why but it does chip away at my soul, one little chip at a time.
I’m tired of being a monster and a bulldozer, I just want to be at peace and be happy, as my teacher said to in grade 9 “what do you want to be when you grow up” I responded with “Happy ma’am”, I think I watched a movie that weekend and thought it was a very solid answer.
One things I learnt really quickly, come to terms with what doesn’t make you happy as it will stay that way, even if you try change it but embrace it,
Also remember the things, people, smells, places and feelings that make you happy as they will Overpower the bad everytime…