When people say they’ve been through a lot, they mean it whether it’s your version or not, it not for you to decide. Everyone’s struggle is important, everybody’s story is important.
We as human beings tend to dismiss peoples stories as they are not as bad as our own or they are not as outrageous as ours, it’s a problem that only plagues’ our species and that’s kind of the sad parts about it, no other species has this judgemental side of them, this is due to us having a brain that allows you to “feel” and these feeling are a hardwire “fight or flight” response to pretty much anything that happens in your life, good or bad.
Now, why am I telling you all this? Well after the last blog post I have realized in what space my head way at, this dark place where all I do is try to find ways out, try to find moments to check out or wait till the end to say “I want you”, this has become a problem for years and as I’ve changed I’ve kept the same darkness, but I’m out of the darkness, now what? Something I’ve found to be safe and welcoming is now fading away and now I’m left without that flight darkness I’ve lived in for so long.
So now going against my inner me, trying to keep my brain in one order or another, I have to change the aspects of the old habits and the old “me” this is very present in my current thinking but could change at any moment, could change the drive or the devotion to change, and that would be fucking horrendous, and the fall back into the darkness that once accepted me, that now rejects me would be life-threatening, and that just means “fight”, fight for my goal, my future, fight for what I want and need from this world.
I won’t let the darkness take me again, I will not let myself fall into the trap I found myself in for so many years.
I can’t…
I just wont