So, things this year have not started off great, this lockdown has created more problems than solutions, all I’ve been trying to do is hold on, to some sort of reality, some sort of normality.
I have lost a lot in the last year, but in saying that I did gain some well-needed perspective, and I thought I’d share it.
People never stay, they lie, they hurt you when you least expect it, they will leave you in the times of need, you can support them but they won’t support you, you can love them doesn’t mean they will love you, you will go above and beyond for them and they will take what they can and run.
This is from people who I thought I couldn’t live without, people who treated me like a stepping stone in their lives to get to the next step, remember I’m just a holding pattern for a lot of people, I help them see things and feel things they wouldn’t feel normal, I keep them safe and then when they have everything they need they leave with a smile on their face and blaming you for it all.
At this point in my life, I don’t seem to be doing anything right, lost my job, can’t seem to find closure from toxic people, can’t seem to find myself in the madness around me, I have made the choice to leave South Africa, leaving to Ireland to try and put this country and its people behind me, all the toxic and hurtful people just seem to find me here, no matter where I go, I left Joburg and due to a very bad choice brought down a toxic person a year later making this beautiful city unbearable, as much as Cape Town has completely engulfed me in her beauty, she has also shown me pain and parts of my soul which, to be honest, I never wanted to see.
I have lived a life filled with these kinds of things, maybe it’s just the people I surround myself with or even just attract, like a magnet for bullshit, or maybe its broken wing syndrome, you know, always trying to fix the broken and downtrodden, the drive to make sure everyone is okay before myself, changing parts of me to fit into others agenda, I honestly can’t seem to find peace within myself and that is something I’ve been trying to do since I got here, I have found it before but when you allow people to take bits of you, you start to lose a lot more than just time.
All my ex’s have moved on and are seeing, probably better people than me, in a way, I am happy for them, in another way I am angry and sad that they just used me to find out what they didn’t want or use me as a stepping stone.
I should be used to this by now, be used to the abandonment and lies, what can I say I’m a little “touched” as some could say, I feel a little used and taken advantage of.
A lot of my posts are rants, me speaking my mind, this is the only place that I can do it without judgment, these are my thoughts, the darkness within my soul reaching out and touching the world.
Maybe my soul is just over being hurt.