I feel my statement holds water, I have been the one who has been trying to grieve the loss of someone who never really cared, something that didn’t exist, I had made up this fantasy over many years, and believe we are meant for each other when in reality I had what was needed in the time, but then saying this makes me realize that the reason for the pain and heartbreak is due to the truth being revealed.
Now, of course, I loved this person, but looking back, I couldn’t trust her or believe a word she said as she had already lied to my face, should have been a red flag but when you have had this idea for years, it’s hard to find a fault when the person you’ve wanted more than oxygen is sitting in front of you with a gin in their hand, telling you that they want you and want this, in reality, is really just a, “please get me out of this other place I am living”, which is cool but not when you are the reason for my self-harm, I mean planning my suicide as you tipped the already leaning scale right over, and didn’t give two shits till you were effected.
Now I’m quite a forgiving man, but don’t get it twisted, if you break it and refuse or expect it to be fixed overnight, telling me I have a lot of disgusting things to say, yet it’s the truth, if the person that was “shown” to me existed then maybe I wouldn’t have so much to say, I think something happens to your brain when your reality is fucked with.
In saying all of this, I really don’t think you did it on purpose, I think it was just something that you created naturally, I know she thought she loved me, but I also believe she figured out that it wasn’t true quite early and she was stuck, I mean we lived together, I helped her find a job, she had started to get close with my family, I guess stuck is an understatement.
Now I am no coward, and I must admit I was a little unfair on her, my love was filled with distrust and suspicion, which in hindsight, wasn’t needed, I got jealous, possessive and all-out paranoid, this can take a big toll on someone and for that I am sorry, I got lost in the dream, I got scared, I was worried that I would lose what I’ve wanted for some long and I guess it’s the puppy effect, I killed the puppy by trying to force a life I had envisioned on to my partner.
Now I must say I do regret meeting you, I regret the calls and the first kiss, only due to what it turned me into, as that is not who I am, and trust me on this I will never let myself or anyone else take me back to that place.
