How to explain the pain and the confusion, we go through life thinking that it will never happen to me or that we are ok, this is just one big lie, it can happen to anyone and out of the blue.
This is what happens when your illness takes hold of your logical mindset and creates new issues and problems you didn’t have and uproots the old that you have pushed deep down as “ I don’t have time for this shit” is your mindset.
It took 27 years to break, like a walnut I cracked and the world became dark, “the only way out, right”, this is when I knew the was a problem, planning my way out and typing out my final words to the people I love, my friends, my family …. My mother, God the thought just breaks me, how could I do that to her, seeing her face with those tears, that pain and that’s just the thought of losing her son, my sisters wouldn’t be okay in time as they are stronger, they will come to terms with it, my nephew would of grown-up not knowing me but would hear stories of his crazy uncle, who would skate up and down, who could keep a room in laugher for hours, who would always have a smile, who could “charm the panties off a nun” as they would say.
All these thoughts were not there in the moment, the moment was so dark, so alone, no one to call who would relate, who could possibly know how this feels, the feeling of no way out, the feeling of pain and sadness taking hold, the solid feeling of “that’s, that. I just want the pain to go away, just leave me alone, let me go!!!!!!” ………PLEASE!!!… I beg of you.
This was it I snapped, good on you world, you broke me, well done.
The thoughts wouldn’t end, the pain didn’t let up, the waves got more intense, the darkness got closer and closer, this was it, time to check out.
Boom, reality hits, I need help and I need it now before I follow through, I know this is going to happen, this will be the last breaths taken and the last words said.
All I would leave behind is a small blog on the internet, a blurred legacy, a room in hearts filled with pain and questions.
“Why did he do it?”
“He seemed so happy?”
“Life didn’t seem that bad”
Unfortunately, I still can’t answer those questions, I can only say “I’m getting the help I need”
If I could tell you that it’s easy, that would be a lie, this is the most challenging transformation I’ve ever gone through.
Reliving the problems in sessions, listening to others problems and relating on a level that I can’t even explain, being able to feel their pain, this is the definition of hell, knowing another person you care for can feel this, to not know what to do, to start putting up walls and boundaries, not helping them as I need to focus on me is the fight against the core fiber of my being.
I don’t get it, how can I be me and at the same time be selfish, to repair me, this is not me.
I hide amongst the roses, fixing the stems of the ones that wither, to hold them up to catch the morning sun, this is who I am.
This is just my brain, my thoughts, my reality, my darkness.
This is my hell.
Someone said to me, “why do these things affect you so badly? Why do you care so much? Why are you so sensitive? “ If I knew I’d tell you, I would try to explain that my role to play in this world is to teach, to bulldoze through relationships, to help people who don’t know how to feel loved, feel the warmest love, the most unconditional love, the safest place they could think of is near me and then teach them how to deal with loss as I walk away as they got too close to my heart, my darkness, my pain and that’s not okay, no one gets to get that close as they will only hurt me, disappoint me… Brake me.