Let’s take a second to address the elephant in the room, don’t think I’ve forgotten what happened…
I planned my death, I planned to take my life… Now the effects of this and the effects on the people I care about are not lost on me…
I have broken hearts, I have made a lot of them angry that I would just leave, I have had a lot of pain expressed to me, I have honestly felt them… All of them…
And just because I’m out and getting better, does not mean this hasn’t changed me or the people around me, the pain is visible when I see some of them, the fact that a life without me in it could have been a reality for them seems to have nearly killed them
I can’t say “I’m sorry “as I’m not sorry, it was a thought process, it was where I was and it made me realize that there’s a lot of fixing needing to happen, a lot of pain that needs to be dealt with…
My past is hard to swallow for a lot of people and if you’ve been following this from the start, then you will understand that I was and still am in a lot of pain and I have a lot of work to do, this is on my mind every day, every second I breath in is a reminder of what could have happened….
I would be dead 10 days today…
People slowly getting on with their lives hating me, hurt by my actions, now if you know me, even a little, then you know that I never go out of my way to hurt anyone.
It’s just not who I am, but the place I was in and the fact that I didn’t care about anyone else’s problems and for the first time In 27 years will do something for myself, being selfish for the first and last time, was a world I craved and needed to understand how the unhealthy thoughts and the problems that needed to be addressed and dealt with, I could only know once I had hit that wall, that darkness.
The fact that I hurt people, that wasn’t my intention, I just wanted peace from all the pain created over the years, I wanted the problems to go away, I didn’t want to feel this shit anymore.
So I’m not sorry, fuck that, I am broken and will remain that way as long as I allow myself to stew in this and some days are easier than others but this is my only shot to fix the issues I have, the last try at this thing we call life, so I’m going to give it my all, I’ve had to leave some people behind, and trust me that took a piece of my soul with them, and I’ll always have them in my heart but enough was enough and I couldn’t be the fool to them anymore.
What this has taught me is that we are not invincible and trust me if I can get there, it’s easy for others to be there and if you are reading this and thinking that it’s the only way out, what I can honestly tell you is ….
It’s not, make that call, send that text, just make contact with your anchor, and if you don’t have anyone, look deep inside yourself, you will see yourself sitting in a corner in a sitting or lying position, grab that person and bring them to the surface to at least get yourself the help that is needed, I will list the numbers you can call at the end of the post.
You are not weak when you ask for help, it takes more strength to ask for help then you know.
Just Ask……
Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 12 13 14
SADAG
Helpline: 0800 567 567
SMS: 31393