When I first started to understand my illness, I couldn’t believe that I’m put in this “bracket” or “category”, I mean how the fuck can someone who doesn’t even know me tell me that “you are suffering from depression, P.T.S.D, and Anxiety”, who the fuck do you think you are?
I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m low, but aren’t most people? Aren’t most people filled with thoughts of just checking out?…
But as time went on I started to do research, educating myself on the illness that controls my mind and mood, tries and answer questions that people didn’t seem to have, and books didn’t seem to state in the simplest terms.
My life hasn’t been easy, but I’ve dealt with it, haven’t I? haven’t I gotten over the death of my father? The overdose of my friend? The constant suicides that seem to follow my life to this day? Again, left with questions I can’t answer, things I can’t make sense of.
This is when it started to set it, “no you fucking idiot, you haven’t dealt with it, you’ve pushed it down, you’ve hidden behind masks, while you tell others to remove theirs, fucking hypocrite”, harsh but the reality, so I’m going to set this most next to my laptop and write from the heart, from the darkest place, from the raw and uncut.
Here goes nothing, I am 27 and have been through a shit load of chaos, would be an understatement,
You could say it started in childhood, you know how the normal story goes, dad leaves mom, mom is sad all the time, divorce is on the go, one weekend with dad and one with mom, then dad gets remarried, mom finds love and the confusion of love and marriage sets in, dads unhappy, mom loses the love of her life and we are back to, dad depressed and moms sad and while all of this is happening, I just have to get on with it, show that all is good, then dad kills himself, I spiral, drugs, women, drag races, anything to feel, to feel alive to know that there is a heartbeat in my chest, then boom, a friend dies, I carry his body to the hospital to be told. “We can’t help him and I would suggest you leave before the police arrive”, I was 14, now faced with a choice, keep going down this path that will kill me in the end or take charge of my life, oh and did I mention that my next-door neighbor molested me? , oh that happened when I was 10 or 11, the timing is quite blurred, then mom gets married again and we are happy for 20 seconds, meth addict, beats my mom and then moms sad, wants to check out, now I’m 19 running my business to help feed our family as my mom’s ex-husband left us destitute, moms trying to keep it together but barely, I have to stay strong, be the rock and not let my little sister know what the hell we are in, the older sister has left and its just us 3 against the world, now you would think, “Dam that’s a lot”, oh it gets worse, relationships failing one after the other, I leave, make friends and family away from “home”, one after the other dead, killing themselves off, taking their last breaths, alone and broken, now what the fuck should I do? Be okay? Okay I can do that, I can make this shit go away, I can deal with this, I can keep it all in, no one has to know that the walls are slowly closing in, slowly getting darker, day by day, this is now what has to lead me to this, planning to check out, I’ve made sure my Will in In place, started to plan when, where, how, writing letters to family and friends and lovers to try and explain, try leaving them with no unanswered questions, make them feel that I had to, I had no other way out, no other way to fix the pain, no other way to make the chaos go away, make the noise go away for good.
Few, that was a lot, tears caressing my cheeks, heart beating barley in my chest, the darkness, so warm and inviting, wow, I’m pretty fucking broken. What now? Mask off? Heart poured out onto a keyboard, hiding is no longer an option, this is me.
RAW…, BROKEN…, OPEN.