A pretty bold statement but let me explain, I’ve spoken about this woman in pretty much all my posts, she seems to be a standing enigma in my life.
She moves into my place in less than 2months and boy this should be fun, I’m not worried as I’m giving her all the room in the world as I’ve grown quite tired of trying to show her that I mean what I say, she will be working with me and that’s where I shine when it comes to work that is where I have full control over my life and she will see a different side of me, not that it would change anything…
I have found a way to get her attention and that’s pretty much not showing her any, it works for a bit and then I’m back to be the person who is going to hurt her, and her walls go up.
Now people ask me all the time why I’ve invited her to live with me and to work for me and its truly a simple answer, she needs the break from the world and despite how she makes me feel or how much I want her, this has nothing to do with it.
This woman is one of the smartest, most capable, resilient and strong-minded people I know and has so much potential to do amazing things if she just got the opportunity, now I know if she does well, I make money and she makes money, so this is strictly a business brained choice and not a romantic one.
In saying this she still makes me crazy, I mean how to explain to someone you want and crave that you are here for the long hall.
Now I’m no stranger to disappointment or rejection, I am also not blind to timing and peoples timing, this woman needs to figure out what she wants and tell me to want she wants but I’m so tired of trying to prove things to her, if she doesn’t like or love me that’s fine but I need to know that, she also makes up her mind pretty quickly and won’t fight it at all, she suppresses her feelings and goes with the safer and easier choice as it won’t affect anyone but her, which in my opinion is worse than doing bad things to other people as you create an indifference.
Now, why am I writing this, well I am taking the blog down for a bit and changing the name as I feel I have shared enough, it’s strange but I have this feeling that nothing will happen with us but in all honesty, I’m not sure how I would feel about seeing her with other guys as it would bring back something in me that I left back in Joburg and that is self-doubt but hopefully she would have found her feet and be living elsewhere before I have to witness it, and I think that would be fair.
It’s crazy how when you meet someone who changes your life but you don’t change theirs, it’s almost like all you can do is sit and hope, but I am a different person and she mustn’t think that I will be there for a hookup and play hot and cold the next day, with her for some unknown reason to me, she knows how to push my buttons and knows exactly how to keep me on the hook but not this version of me, I know what I’m worth and if she can’t see that it’s not my regret to have.
I’m sure I’m painting her in quite a bad light but that’s not the case, she is one of the most amazing people I know, with a heart of gold, massively intelligent and a body that makes my brain rot. She is perfection to me but I’m tired, I was very ill recently and the doc told me I should prepare for the worst and she has no idea as I would rather keep that information to myself, but one thing it made me realize it that I never want to harm her or upset her, I just want her to be happy.
To thrive in a world that is not out to get her, now nearly 2 months left and the only thing I can think about is getting her here and making sure she’s ok and then getting on with it, this woman is going to do amazing things and I won’t stand in the way of that.
Now a lot of you might wonder, why am I so smitten over someone who doesn’t love me, who won’t keep up with me sexually, who won’t even give you a little bit of the same attention… and to that, I say… well I don’t know as we’ve never tried.
To end this, I just want to say, she is amazing and will be a great addition to my work team and my life and knowing the small things I do know, I’m happy she is willing to take the risk knowing I’ve got her back.
And that my fellow readers are the last Gripe post and I believe it is something that will bring me to my knees and I’ve had this up for so long, but it is time to say goodbye for now till the next blog is finished, look out for watching humans in the future.
Just know that we are all human and can be broken as quickly as we get fixed, it’s just about how willing you are to allow yourself to be ok, even when you not.