So being in isolation for the past few weeks gives you tons of time to think about a lot of things and I thought I would could tell the truth, at least from my point of view.
So let’s start with what you did and that was lie to me in the very beginning, then left my life, after that you left me broken and I had to go away to get put back together but that didn’t stop you from coming back into my life.
After leaving my safe space and back into the world you came to me and told me what you wanted, knowing full well that I would say yes, and I did.
The relationship took off like a bang with rules and regulations, which you followed for a very short time, now I am not blind to the insecurities that started to flare up quite fast, I mean how could you, the women of my dreams be in love with this? This creature?
Well I took it and battled everyday trying to understand when you are going to leave again, things were not easy, but we pushed through and you were always giving me reassurance to try and help the issues that kept popping up.
I still battled and kept you in the loop at all times on the state of my mind, the strange thing is, I bought a ring when I got back from leaving you in Joburg, I got money from my mother to buy it as I wanted to make sure that once we had come back to normal and go through the “little” hump, well what I thought we could get through that we would start to build our lives.
I was wrong, It was almost like the moment I left your arms you had made up your mind, and that crushes me.
Months of fighting the world and fighting the demons and walking away seemed so easy, you couldn’t fight anymore and I understand that having to deal with someone who battles top understand why goof things happen and why you were in my life really damaged you and hurt you a lot, I still thought we could of got through it.
My mental state had got so bad that I couldn’t sexually preform and the truth is that it wasn’t any of the meds I was on it was mental, I battled every day, with myself and you, watching you come home and be cold or be in a mood and I still don’t know what happened at that place that made you up and quit when you had bills to pay and a life you were trying to build.
I worked on myself every day and the progress was never seen, all you ever saw was a problem, not the progress.
I had gotten so much better and was on the mend as you were “being so supportive” well that’s what I thought, turns out you were walking on eggshells and this was not communicated to me, again I sit and think this was all planned and that you were biding your time till something better came up and something did, up in Joburg, and being away from me would be easier to leave me.
Now love is a tricky thing, it has ups and downs and weak points and strengths, and if you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them you don’t bail when it gets too much, again somethings don’t make sense, how could it be that easy to leave me, to leave us? All part of your plan…
I still miss you and I shouldn’t, you destroyed me, broke me and through me away more than once and all I did was try and change for you to make you happy as best as I could.
You smile and tell me you moved on with your life, block me on everything and delete me from your life so easily, I call one night out of pure desperation and must of woken your lover with the speed you could hang up on me, I am sorry for being so broken that I wanted to hear your voice and talk to you about all of this.
I guess your experiment worked, you tried and it didn’t work so you do the only thing you know how to do and that’s run, run away from the person who you said “knows you better than anyone” which I think was just a line in your script, one more line before your grand exit, which was amazing by the way, extremely well played.
I now find out that you are back with your ex, which hurts but at the same time I am truly happy for you if that is what makes you happy, I still am in Love with you and I know its so pathetic to love someone even after they have done such horrific things to you but its how I feel and you still have my soul and heart, it sucks and I wish I could be as cold as you and be able to turn it off but I can’t I’m not build to be cold.
I will “forever” love you and will always wish you the best, just don’t do the same to anyone else and it is the cruellest thing that has ever been done to me, you brought me to my knees and that’s where I still sit and it such a fucking shit place to be your boost up to your next level and scrubbed from the bottom of your boot.
Forever my Queen and I will be forever your joker.
