So after a lot of deep reflection, I’ve come to realize that I truly am damaged, last night having dreams of when I planned my suicide and how I wrote everyone a letter explaining myself, even in death I try to make sure everyone understands me, others gratification even in the darkest times.
I have decided to take a different approach on this, trying something new and creating a new mindset is not easy, I have battled with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for my entire life, It’s a battle to get out of bed every day and in a time where mental illness is on the front line, people are still telling me it’s a choice to be sad, to be depressed, to want to die instead of showering as it would be easier, It makes my jaw drop that there is still this mentality in 2020.
I live my life hour by hour, not day by day, as my mood could change in a minute, it makes loving me very hard to do as it comes with a lot of stress if I will be there in the morning or what insecurity will raise its ugly head, will my partner understand??
Well from my experience, No they don’t understand, they see it as weakness, a burden, too much to handle, or even just not worth trying to understand as they don’t see me as worth fighting through the pain for.
All I’ve been doing for years is make myself good enough for everyone in my life, whether its family, friends or partners, I change a lot of myself to accommodate their lives, something I’ve noticed is their lives barely change and mine drastically changes, I am left to accommodate them and when I put the effort in to change they leave, I think I’ve left one relationship in my 28 years on this rock.
You could swear I was abusive, a drunk or a shitty person, see the reasons they leave are always around the same, they can’t handle me at my lowest, again, is this my problem, well fuck, yes it is, I’m the one left on the floor broken hearted and not understanding what just happened, I end up being the annoying ex-boyfriend sending texts and calling, pathetically trying to win them back, to have them come back into my world, just to feel loved?
Now how can a man live like this?
How can I go through this every time?
It must be me right? I mean its always the same so it must be me, it must be something I do or say?
My actions or words tend to chase them away, or maybe they fall in love with the idea of me and not me. Who knows but all I’ve been trying to do is, well, just find love…
Just to be loved….
