I write a lot of pages of pain, of things I cant have in my life and about situations I find myself in, this is not an accurate description of my life, I am manic depressive who suffers from anxiety and has a fear of people leaving me, some call this “Separation trauma” this does sound quite accurate.
I have lived a life most wish for, from lines of cocaine and drag racing when I was 14, to moving in with an amazing woman and being very well paid at 23, to training and operating as an anti-poaching sniper at 25, to opening and running my own business at 26 till I was 28 where I entered the job market not out of necessity but to align myself with companies that are doing amazing things for the people of my country.
I have lived my life under the thought that I wouldn’t make it to 18, when I turned 18 I didn’t think I’d make 21, on my 21st birthday I told myself that I will no longer fear death and that if it comes to find me, I will welcome it. It’s hard to explain my life as it sounds like a really crappy movie written by a methhead in his basement, I have a mother who has raised 3 children single-handedly, who, not in fault if herself, had to have her children be grownups before we were ready as if we didn’t we would not survive, we cooked at 9 and learned how to drive at 12, I was raising my youngest sister at 19 as my mother took a job in the north of Africa to support her family.
Sounds like a tough life and I know many have had it worse, it’s why I fought for what I believe in and have developed some rather detrimental mental issues and trust issues, this has to lead me to, losing friends, losing jobs and loving women who pretend to love the entirety of me when in reality they only love what I can give them.
Now losing all of this is not only my fault and all parties had their own role they played, which in reality is fucking horrible, I never understood what Is wrong with me and why no one ever wanted to stay, but it was also quite easy for the women who said they would be there forever to move on and for the friends who said that we are here for life to quickly stab me in the back at the first sign of change.
I am still to this day feeding off of others affections and affirmations, positive or not, this has created more problems than solutions in my life, as I love hard and heavy, I’m extremely intense and jump headfirst into anything that looks remotely “normal “.
I am not a perfect person but I am an honest one, I am trying every day to better myself, to hold a sense of worth to myself and hold a sense of respect to who I am.
Like I said I’m not perfect, but the question I’d like to ask those who judge me…..
Are you?