I want to talk about the “Mist” or “Fog”, these are turns used in a lot of different ways when you are an addict you use them to explain how you feel when you crave, the Mist or Fog that sets in and engulfs you to get that next high, that fix that will take me away from this fucked up place we call life.
As an addict myself, I know what it takes to replace a habit with another, I used a lot of substances to escape my reality, but one that is the most dangerous is LOVE, I don’t care what anyone says, Love is one of the most dangerous drugs you can get hooked on, think about it, what are the symptoms of addiction?
Just to name a few:
- Isolating/secretive about activities
- Disrupted sleep patterns
- Loss of control over the amount and frequency of use
- Craving and compulsive using
- Continued use in the face of adverse consequences
Now I know I will have mixed reactions to that statement but for those who are reading this who understand the change in their world for that person, then this is for you.
I have found that I get addicted to someone, their love, their smell, their essence, and even just a smile these would put me on a high, cloud the reality of the world and get lost in their eyes and do anything for my next fix, to hear them say those extremely dangerous words “I love YOU”, BOOM I’m hooked, like a needle to my arm, a skinny line up my nose and the pill on my tongue that send the rush straight to the brain and allows the mist to set in where the only thing you care about has a heartbeat, beautiful eyes and a smile that will melt the cold shell around your heart, the most intoxicating rush you will ever experience.
I realized this today that I am going through withdraw, chatting to people I haven’t needed to chat to in a long time, just to make sure you are okay, the fix of knowing you are safe and sound, to hear that you are happy, this is like the small dose of what I’m used to but it helps the craving.
I am addicted to you and as many know to become sober of these cravings that have developed over years takes the willingness to get past the withdraw, but I know I don’t want to kick you as a habit, I know its unhealthy, I know you are deadly and against my better judgment, my soul screams for you, just one more touch, one more word, one more smile, begging like it’s life or death…
I never knew I could feel the way I do, the anger inside of me that I have silenced for years is now crying out, peeling back its cage and ripping through my chest like the opening of a coffin, my chest closes up, I can’t breathe, I can’t think straight, I can’t see straight.
this pain where the fuck is this coming from?
why can’t I see the light?
Why is the darkness clawing its way back?
Why does this affect me so badly, I’ve been through so much worse, I think it’s time to ask the questions that weigh down on my chest as if someone is standing over me waiting for me to take my last breath.
Why was it so easy to leave?
I know I was broken, but then why promise to not break me more?
I know I hurt you but was it that bad?
Why wasn’t I worth it?
Why didn’t you fight for US?
Why won’t you just talk to me?
Did you feel the words you would say to me?
Was your love true?
Was I just a placeholder?
Why come back into my life to leave?
I am now sounding like this is life or death, I feel that for the soul to start to kick the habit, you must first understand your substance of choice, understand the dangers, understand why you have to kick it and understand why it hurts so much.
Leave your thoughts, as I’ve left my blood and tears…