I don’t know if it’s just the isolation, lockdown without cigarettes or just my general mood but lately I have been truly close to just snapping, I feel the rage I once used to hurt people, that I have been controlling for years, bubbling to the surface.
Every disturbance in my tunneled version of day to day life is almost the biggest explosion, now I know it’s not anyone else’s fault but mine and I am trying to just hold on, keeping myself in some sort of order, making sure that the past me doesn’t just creep up and take over my once so peaceful life.
I truly am battling with this and so much more, feeling like my fingers are slipping and my mind is going to that place where I don’t have to control or answer for my actions, I just get to be a cunt and everyone leaves me to it, this was a much easier time, alone and not having to worry about hurting anyone.
I have been on this very self-betterment if you would, but the old habits are there, I still miss the women who nearly killed me twice with her running, I miss my toxic friends as they could validate the behavior, I miss the drugs and freedom that came with them, the feeling of invincibility, that no amount of pain can get through, I miss my fallen brothers, the people who, one day were the biggest lovers of life and the next they were gone.
As the people who read these mumblings feel a lot I must stay that writing this hurts and is not just from an empty heart, the tears do fall, the night terrors still prey on me, the cravings to be numb, the feeling that I need to make changes to leave are thoughts that stay in my mind every day.
Every time things are going well, I ask why? Why the fuck would things be working out? that doesn’t make any sense to me at all, a fully functional life is most definitely not something I’ve had in my life.
Someone once said that at your funeral they will all say how amazing you were and how close you were to them, even though no one in the room will know the speaker, not even the body in the box.
That has stuck with me as I know that at my wake there will be people who knew me, people who broke me and people who would know they were responsible in some way for me being in that state, scary to think that most people will love you more once you are gone than they ever did when you were breathing.
